The Abigail Project

Category: Listening

How to help a friend in a toxic relationship

How to help a friend in a toxic relationship

Feb 1, 2022

It can be heartbreaking to watch someone you care about remain stuck in a dangerous situation. And it can be hard to know how to help a friend in a toxic relationship. It’s easy to feel powerless. So if you have a friend in a dangerous marriage or other abusive situation, what can you do?

One of the most important things to keep in mind – and hopefully this is a relief – is that there are some wonderful organisations out there who can help. The best professionals know when they are getting outside their area of expertise, and the importance of connecting people with the best support. So the number one tip we have to give, far above any other piece of advice, is to help your friend connect with experts who can help them. That is, refer.

How to spot a non-apology

How to spot a non-apology

May 28, 2021

As we saw with Saul in our last article, abusers might employ a barrage of emotional abuse tactics that can make it very difficult to know how to spot a non-apology. Those tactics can make conversations about harm and responsibility very confusing. To cut through that...

Am I losing my faith? (PTSD)

Am I losing my faith? (PTSD)

Jun 19, 2020

In the last few posts, we have been looking at an important question that comes up for many victims of abuse: “Am I losing my faith?” We’ve had a brief look at some of the impact of depression and anxiety. These conditions can express themselves in a huge variety of...

Carrying a heavy load

Carrying a heavy load

Jun 5, 2020

Are you carrying a heavy load? There is a difficult problem in that committed abusers will seek to load their victims up with impossible burdens and expectations. It’s a game. Then, even after leaving abuse, a victim may have a massive volume of external and internal...

Jesus shows deep respect for boundaries

Jesus shows deep respect for boundaries

May 26, 2020

One of the beautiful things we see in the gospels is that Jesus shows deep respect for boundaries. Yesterday we started looking at the story of Martha, Mary, Lazarus, and Jesus and got as far as Lazarus’s death, and Jesus’ failure to arrive. You might like to read...

How can I be a friend to someone in need?

How can I be a friend to someone in need?

Apr 29, 2020

How can I be a friend to someone in need? The psalmist wrote:

May he give you the desire of your heart

and make all your plans succeed.

One of the most difficult challenges for a victim of abuse is to be believed. Even by their friends. Abusers play on it and often use tactics to perpetrate further abuse through other people. These third parties are colloquially known as “flying monkeys”, reminiscent of the servants of the Wicked Witch of the West. Some might be only too glad to join in on hurting someone, but many will be innocent and unaware of the way they are being used.

How good and pleasant it is

How good and pleasant it is

Apr 24, 2020

“How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity.”

As we come near to the end of our series on the Songs of Ascents, I feel for those who are still trapped in abuse, or who are in the early stages of escaping. We have, in the space of a few weeks, travelled from danger to sanctuary. Life is not that simple for victims of any significant trauma, let alone victims of abuse.

Like a weaned child is my soul within me

Like a weaned child is my soul within me

Apr 21, 2020

Abuse is complicated in so many ways. It is completely unsurprising that people find it difficult to deal with. It’s not as “simple” as just dealing with one horrific type of behaviour. A typical abuser might have dozens of types of behaviour that stretch across multiple forms of abuse. Some of the most confusing and difficult to respond to are the apparent “positive” behaviours – behaviours that help the abuser hide and deny the abuse.

I wait for Yahweh, my whole being waits

I wait for Yahweh, my whole being waits

Apr 20, 2020

Out of the depths I cry to you, Yahweh.

It is so easy to rush through a psalm without imagining the tone of voice. Even the phrase, “tearful prayers”, might significantly miss the depth of this person’s distress.

Again, out of the many names for God, the writer of Psalm 130 has chosen the name God suggested to Moses – when Moses was struggling to accept the task of bringing hope to a group of people who had been trapped in slavery. Trapped, for generations. These were people who suffered ongoing systemic, physical, financial, reproductive, and emotional abuse. Probably more.

Those who trust in the LORD are like Mount Zion

Those who trust in the LORD are like Mount Zion

Apr 11, 2020

How was life supposed to be for us? Certainly not plagued by abuse. Much of the Old Testament describes what it means to love and respect each other. Not only as individuals: it teaches us how to avoid systemic abuse by making sure the vulnerable are cared for.

God’s clear intention is for us to thrive together in every way. Our physical and emotional wellbeing matter to him. So do our ethics.

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